我们内心的冲突 Karen Horney (凯伦.霍妮)

有意识地直面冲突尽管可能比较痛苦，但却是一种非常宝贵的能力。我们越能面对自己的冲突并找出解决办法，就能获得越多的内心自由感和内心力量。只有愿意承受冲突的打击，我们才最有可能成为命运之舟的主宰。根植于麻木之中的虚假平静根本不值得我们羡慕。它注定会让我们更加脆弱，更加不堪一击。

找出矛盾的存在并在此基础上进行决策：清楚我们的愿望是什么 (我们的感受和需要是什么) $\rightarrow$ 建立起自己的信念体系 $\rightarrow$ 与周围环境推崇的价值观产生冲突 $\rightarrow$ 直面冲突 (并找出解决办法)

认知觉醒 — 开启自我改变的原动力 周岭

我们看待这个世界的视角是不同的。在能主动做成一件事之前，我们眼里的世界是二维的、扁平的。然而在能主动做成一件事情之后，我们就能够从侧视的角度，看到三维的、立体的世界，注意到人与人在认识水平上的差别。

我此前一直强调“想清楚”的重要性，但当我们绞尽脑汁去想却仍然想不清楚的时候，就要依据前人的假设先行动起来，只有这样，我们才能更接近目标的本质，才能想得更清楚。

很多人总是希望先找到自己的人生目标再行动，事实上，如果不行动，我们可能永远也找不到自己的人生目标，毕竟依靠低维度的认知和经历，我们很难看清自己真正想要什么。只有先依据前人的假设走到更高的层次，人生目标才可能慢慢浮现。

做到与想要

How to be yourself — Ellen Hendriksen

publication: 2018

https://pdfroom.com/books/how-to-be-yourself-quiet-your-inner-critic-and-rise-above-social-anxiety/avd94KA65KD

大脑影响行为，行为也影响大脑。

可以把大脑推到活动范围的顶端。

需要弄清楚，让你焦虑和压力陡升的是什么。一个小工具 — 填空游戏。

当我 ______ (感到焦虑的社交场合)时，我 ______ 。

E.g.,

当我 和不止一个人闲聊时，我 大脑一片空白。

当我 遇到一个陌生人时，我 找不到话题跟别人聊。

Get specific. What exactly is the worst that can happen? What particular stupid thing do I expect I will do? Who, precisely, do I expect is going to judge me?

How bad is that really? How bad is a little bit of judgement?

What are the odds? How could I cope?

Use Embrace to show yourself some compassion: talk to yourself as you would to a good friend. Soothe, encourage, and support.

Get started and your confidence will catch up.

Strike up a conversation. Not unctuous, not fake. Start talking to them as if a relationship had already been established, as if we’d known each other for a very long time.

Just have to do it so many times. There were no longer any unknowns … there was nowhere for my imagination to go and create this kind of anxiety in me. I had seen it all before, I knew that I could handle it, and so I got to the point where I could just approach people very comfortably without any worry or anxiety about what their reaction would be.

If you want to be comfortable talking to strangers, the only way to do it is to approach strangers while you are uncomfortable. You have to earn the comfort through being uncomfortable many, many times.

Fake it till you make it. When you see yourself doing it, you start to believe you can.

When we don’t feel like getting on the yoga mat, lacing up our running shoes, sitting down to write, or getting off YouTube and focusing on work, we can use a little magic: we can put action before motivation.

We don’t have to wait until we feel like doing something before we do it.

Instead, we start doing it, and the feeling will catch up.

There’s a myth that you have to feel confident to be ready. In truth, you gain confidence by doing things before you’re ready, while you’re still scared. Go through the motions and your confidence will catch up.

Being brave isn’t not being afraid. Indeed, fear is a prerequisite to bravery. True bravery is being afraid and doing it anyway.

木法沙对辛巴说过同样的话。辛巴和娜娜瘦到刀疤的蛊惑，去到鬣(liè)狗的地盘探险，不出所料的遭遇鬣狗伏击。沙祖赶去报信请救兵，木法沙即使赶到救下了辛巴和娜娜。

辛巴说：”爸爸，你好勇敢，看起来什么都不怕。“

木法沙说：“我只在必须要勇敢的时候勇敢。我刚刚就很怕，害怕失去你们。” (I thought I might lose you.)

“How to kill a mockingbird” has the similar description about bravery.

Courage is not a man with a gun in his hand. It’s knowing you’re licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes you do.

一件事的开始是最难的。

The first few times will be the most difficult. Experience hasn’t yet balanced out our fearful imaginings of all possible worst-case scenarios. So while you’re in the tough early stages, base your achievement on what you do rather than how you feel.

给自己一个角色扮演会让你的社交更有结构，提高社交表现。

但是角色扮演会不会让你丢失自我？— 不会，前提是这个角色必须源自你的内心，而不是别人。它不能来自你无法取悦的母亲、你的老板、你当前的 迷恋对象、美国社会，或其他任何人。你的角色必须由你自己 选择，被你自己占据。

It can’t come from your impossible-to-please mother, your boss, your current crash, American society, or whoever else. Instead, your role should be chosen and inhabited only by you.

Pretend until you really got it.

Giving yourself some structure by playing a role you choose allows you to build up and reinforce the real you.

She was the first in her bursting-with-pride family to go to college but always felt one step out of step at the prestigious schools and hospitals from which she built her career. 她是家里第一个上大 学的孩子，也是全家人的骄傲。但无论是在她上的常青藤名 校，还是在她事业起步的医院里，她都觉得自己与周围人不合 拍。

Through shee repetition the bigwigs got a little less sacry every time.

Make a challenge list of things that scare you. Check them off. This is called exposure.

You feel far worse anticipating your challenges than actually completing them. The techinical name of this phenomenon: th worry mismatch. Sometimes we get a raised eyebrow or an incredulous stare, but it’s nothing we can’t handle.

Rejection proof. Get rejection 100 times. It feels harsh at first, but won’t be as bad as you imagine.

  • Tell a story in a group of people where I don’t know everyone well
  • Initiate introducing myself to people I see all the time but don’t know by name
  • Talk to a stranger I meet at the gym, bus, street, etc.
  • Practice Norwegian with a colleague, or a random person I see.

Set the tone with your behavior. Just act like it’s not a big deal, be cool casual. Then even it’s really something embarrassing, others will pick up your tone. Remember the student who went to borrow a condom from the year tutor. 🤣

Identify what your safty behaviors are and try to avoid them. See what happens.

  • “Think really hard about getting my words out right.”
  • “Rehearse what I’m going to say next while the other person is talking.”
  • “Focus on my enunciation.”
  • Avoid eye contact.

You don’t gain confidence in a vacuum and then go off and conquer the world. Instead, you learn to be confident, to have courage, to get over anxiety, to live your life authentically, by doing challenging things. And an authentic life includes some rejection, some awkwardness, and some embarrassment. But guess what? It also includes deep satisfaction in your accomplishments, even when they don’t turn out exactly as you pictured them. And with ongoing practice, you’ll find it also includes many Moments and even some elation. By practicing, you’ll learn that even if bad stuff happens, you can keep moving forward, keep being brave. You can handle it.

It was surprising how easy it was to get a yes. I realized how many opportunities I missed because I was afraid of people rejecting me, but I was just rejecting myself.

The more you want to sound impressive, the more stupid you look like.

When you’re speaking, focus on the message, not the delivery.

He monitored himself to ensure he was using his “doctor voice” and sufficiently impressive vocabulary. While other people were talking, he thought about what to say next, weighing and rehearsing to make sure he didn’t say anything impolite, insensitive, or stupid.

注意力是非常有限的资源。Don’t rehearse what you plan to say. Just say it. Otherwise, you miss the window of the topic.

  • Focus on the message, not the delivery.

  • Focus on the task at hand.

  • Focus on the person siting before you, not on your own behavior, position, etc. 把关注点放在别人，不要总关注自己。You are missing out what other people are saying, making you seem unreachable, aloof, not engageed …

Like fossile fuels or political capital, attention is a limited resource. We have only so much we can allocate before it is used up.

Myths

  1. I must monitor my anxiety and how I behave.

    The more you put attention to yourself, the worse the situation is.

  2. How you feel is how you look.

  3. People will judge me harshly.

    This myth of inevitable judgment gains great momentum from the spotlight effect. The spotlight effect is a phenomenon in which we overestimate the extent to which our actions and appearance are noticed by others.

    Being judged does not render the judgers correct.

  4. “I have to sound smart/funny/intersting”: how perfectionism holds us back.

The person you are talking to is a hundred times more interested in himself and his wants and his problems than he is in you and your problems.

In order to keep ourselves safe, we fill in any ambiguity with the worst-case scenario so we can be prepared and not caught off guard. 预设最坏情况是一种自我保护。

“Exposure” is simply the word for going through your fear, not around it, and realizing not only is it not so bad, after some practice, it’s boring.

Dichotomy thinking 一分为二，非黑即白的想法

all-or-nothing

The feeling that we have no social skills is the result of anxiety, not the other way around. Think how you behave around those with whom you are comfortable. Are your social skills still lacking? Probably not.

Some tips to boost your social performance.

  • Eye contact. Aim to make eye contact between one-third and two-thirds of the time you’re talking with someone. Less than one-third signals anxiety, avoidance, or submission; more than two-thirds gets too intense. You don’t have to drill into them eyeball to eyeball. Connect, look away, reconnect, look away.

  • Volume. When we’re anxious, we often talk to the floor, which directs our voice the wrong way and compresses our vocal cords, muffling whatever we’re saying. Instead, if you look the person in the eye they’ll likely hear you, too.

  • Body: Face the same direction as your attention. Point your feet, body, and gaze toward whoever you’re speaking with or toward the center of the group.

  • Approaching an individual or joining a group.

    Three-Second Rule: when you see someone you’d like to talk to, you have three seconds to approach and say hello. Silent hovering gets creepy.

被讨厌的勇气 岸见一郎 / 古贺史健

阿德勒心理学提出目的论。情绪是为了实现某种目的而制造的。比如愤怒只是为了想要镇吓别人产生的。

如果选择新的生活方式，那就不知道新的自己会遇到什么问题，不知道该如何应对眼前的事情。未来难以预测，生活就会充满不安，也可能有更加痛苦、不幸的生活在等着自己。所以经常会发现，即使人们有各种不满，但还是认为保持现状更加轻松、更能安心。面对变化带来的“不安”和不变带来的“不满”，很多人选择了后者。

评价：口水书，逻辑拧巴。不值一读。

王阳明哲学 – 蔡仁厚

默不假坐，心不待澄，不习不虑，出之自有天则。

不习不虑：毋须学习模仿，毋须思虑考量。

时时无是无非

本体莹澈，了无私意执着，便不会有由主观好恶而生起的自以为是与自以为非）